Why self-care is good, but Soul-Care is better

A few years ago, I found myself face-to-face with the ugly beast that is burnout.

My husband was working long hours and travelling for weeks at a time, I was working forty hours a week running a childcare business from home, and I was also taking care of our two daughters 24/7. Unsurprisingly, my migraines became more frequent and my mental health started to dwindle. Looking for answers, I turned to the internet. Dr. Google diagnosed me with burnout, and then proceeded to deliver my prescriptions. It was the height of the self-care revolution, and I was bombarded with instructions to factor in more “me-time” complete with face masks, bubble baths and visits to the nail salon.

I was eager for a quick fix, so I did exactly as I was told. I booked in an appointment to have my nails done for the first time, and off I went! But I had completely missed the point.

“Me-time” is not valuable or refreshing if it doesn’t feel like “me.” It took me months to admit that I didn’t actually like going to the nail salon. I loved having pretty nails, but the arduous process of having a stranger chemically strip my nails and then shape them with a variety of noisy drill attachments was totally out of my comfort zone, and not in a good way! I found myself gritting my teeth through the appointment every time, and by the time I got home to my children I was a frazzled mess. Not exactly the outcome I was looking for.

Self-care is a good thing, but I had been swept up in the heavily commercialised version that the internet offered. I realised that before I headed to the nail salon I should have started with the basics. Things like healthy food, water, sleep and exercise. I started meeting with a psychologist who helped me to get some of these things in place, and helped me figure out how to make the best of a physically and emotionally demanding lifestyle. I learnt about boundaries, priorities, and the importance of boring, basic, foundational, self-care. These things helped a lot, but I still had a nagging sense of hollowness as I steadily carried out these day-to-day acts of self-care.

I found my unhappiness seemed to close in on itself the more I centered my self-care on, well, my self. The end game of these rituals was a closed loop that led me continuously back to me. This was more dizzying than my burnt-out brain could bear. Is the ultimate goal of this beautiful life really just to feed my own happiness? And if it is, then why does the pursuit of it feel so… dissatisfying?

I soon realised that most of the self-care that I’ve been told about treats humans as just a body. The face masks, the bubble baths, and even the food and exercise only go partway to recovering the vulnerable person sliding rapidly towards burnout. They fail to acknowledge what we all know as humans: we are more than just a body. We have individual minds, hearts and souls that are unique and carry the imprint of a divine creator (a Creator who has more in store for us than just good skin and pretty nails!). Our souls are wired to seek out beauty, joy, purpose and connection. When we ignore this divine element of our humanity, we are blocking our own healing, and it makes it harder for us to get back to a state where we can love and serve others.

We desperately need to break the dizzying self-care loop by redirecting the purpose of it outside of ourselves. It needs to lead outwards, back into service and connection with other people, and as part of a story far greater than our individual selves. Without this end game, self-care is just another exhausting task to add to the list of things you’re supposed to do as an adult. But when self-care is an opportunity to refuel ourselves so that we can keep giving, loving and serving, it has a deep-soul purpose and value.

I have found that my soul is fueled by spiritual connection to a Creator, and by opportunities to exercise my own creativity in lots of different ways. To do that, my soul first needs me to be taking care of my physical body, with sleep, food, water and exercise. My mind has needs too; things like self-acceptance, gentleness and professional support. When I let these things slide, my soul is stifled and my very full life begins to feel empty in spite of its busyness. I can’t find the energy to love and serve the people around me. I lose my way. That’s not a life I want or accept, so I’m working hard to care for my mind and body well, so that I can honour my soul the way I was designed to.

I want to encourage you to think beyond basic self-care and start thinking about Soul Care too. What do you love doing? What lights you up? What do you do that makes you feel alive? How do you connect to something bigger than yourself? These are the questions that will help you recognise what your unique soul needs are, so that you can feel the deep refreshment of living the way you were designed to. This underlying purpose will help you to administer those basic forms of self-care that might seem boring, and to help you enjoy those things that might seem more luxurious. I can make myself eat protein during the day because I know it will help me carry toddlers, grocery bags and school bags up a flight of stairs. I can enjoy painting my nails because I know the bright colours will make me smile when I’m wiping down the benches for the fifteenth time.

Self-care is good, but soul-care is better. Figure out what fuels you, and make time for more of that. Then take that energy, and use it to pour love, joy, and beauty into the lives of the people around you.

They deserve that, and so do you.

Xxx Mon