Where on Earth is my Village?

We’ve all heard it a thousand times: It takes a village to raise a child. But have you ever wondered where your village is? I certainly have.

I’m sure this phrase was coined back when said villages were exactly that. A village. A ‘group of houses… smaller than a town, situated in a rural area’. Back then you didn’t choose your village. There was no choice. It was likely the one you were born and raised in, which came complete with people, whether you liked them or not. It would have been a safe environment in which children could run and play, or work with their parents and friends’ parents, gaining the skills they needed for life. And not just general life. Like actually surviving a winter. Or a drought. How to look ahead beyond the week because it wasn’t possible to hop to the local store when the bread ran out. Or how to work in peace with others because everyone relied on each other for the very next meal because of shared resources. That’s just the physical side of being in a village. There was the emotional strength from not doing it all on our own. Folks would be working side by side with generations ahead of them, the ones who had gleaned wisdom and were only too happy to share. And there would be the cherished companions who were right there in the thick of it, side by side, who could understand a heart’s cry with just a smile or a tear, and then there were the younger ones whose vigour inspired the older ones to keep at it.

We don’t depend on each other in the same way now, and so all this leaves me wondering why this phrase is still so widely used. My guess is that it’s as true today as it was back then. I believe with the remarkable changes the world has seen over the centuries (and boy, am I glad to be in this one!), we have lost the essence of the village that raises a child, but not lost the necessity. We need a village. You and I need a village. My children and yours need a village. And the people of the village need us. We’ve slowly lost the emotional support of the village because it came hand-in-hand with the physical. As technology in farming, construction and transport has improved we’ve lost the need to swap veggies from the garden, and so we don’t swap stories either.

Being part of a village doesn’t happen naturally anymore, so this is where we get down to business:

it’s up to us to create a village.

This is easier said than done, and really, right now, I’m just brainstorming because I’ve recently launched into a completely new culture in an area I’ve never lived, where I knew not a single soul before arriving. I’m going to have to create my village. So, in case it wasn’t clear: I don’t have all the answers. We need to remember that it takes time and effort. And a very large dose of both. Community doesn’t happen overnight and requires a lot of what feels like pushing an elephant uphill, but it’s worth the hard work.

So, in order to create a village, we need to first have a look at some places we might find people we can surround ourselves with…

● School

This has been a winner for us. Our eldest moved from home-schooling into grade two at the local school (almost primarily for the purpose of community participation for our family) and just showing up to drop off and pick up has been a great place for meeting new people. Parents and teachers have introduced themselves to us, and we’ve also been able to make the first move. Other ways school can be a helpful environment for connecting with others is the committees and projects the school has ongoing. The Parents’ group is a great way to meet other active people in the school community and also opens up opportunities to be of influence with ideas or service.

● Playgroup

If you have littler ones it can be great to get involved in a local playgroup. Here you’ll find other mums in the same stage of life as you who will laugh with you over poonamis and the like.

● Interest-Specific Groups

I remember in my early teens when our family was shipped across the country every couple of years with Dad’s work, when home-schoolers were still an anomaly in Australia, one of the first places Mum would get us connected was the local craft group. More often than not ladies six times our age gathered in a chilly local hall and chatted the hours away while crafting. We loved to create with our hands, so found common ground with these lovely ladies. It wasn’t a bestie kind of friendship, but it was community. Other interest-specific groups could include musical groups like choir, sports, art, fitness, study groups and book clubs. Mon and I met at church, had sung on the music team together, I admired her from a distance, but we didn’t become friends until later after a mutual friend organised a group for all the new wives to meet and study together regularly. We met together weekly at first, reading a chapter of a book and then discussing it. Then we all started having children. Mon was the first and I can remember seeing her now-9-yr-old’s chubby legs poking out from the baby carrier as Moni jigged around trying to keep her asleep. So, as children came, studies became less frequent but then turned into catch ups or park plays, and then after bubbas were weaned, we got together at night again kid-free, but only once in a blue moon. But the irregular things, like spontaneous hang outs, or birthday parties, or meals when sick- they were where our friendship turned into village-like community.

● Church

As a Christian, I feel like this one comes under the “goes without saying” category. But let me tell you, despite having great expectations, churches aren’t the easiest place to find connection. Church is a great place to meet people, but just like the other great meeting places, requires a lot of personal work and dedication to make relationships happen. The great thing about churches, though, is that you’ll find a huge range of ages, and so you can get your older-wiser fix at the same time as having a laugh or cry, because it doesn’t matter what age you are: you have Jesus in common.

● Neighbourhood

Depending on where you live this is either really hard or really easy. Living in close quarters in which your every move is seen or heard can be great. We recently moved from a townhouse complex of 73 houses. Our bedroom looked over thirteen other backyards. We could hear our neighbour’s kid stomping up the stairs, and the older man at the back got water in his living area when our toddler sprayed the hose over the fence and into his window. I was most surprised by the friendships we formed there, as the people around us weren’t involved in our usual activities and we didn’t share a lot of common interests. But the friendships we made were fantastic. We knew when each other was home, so it was easy to make a spontaneous picnic happen, or to watch a game of rugby league together. We shared little moments, like the kids learning to ride a bike, or having an emergency trip to hospital. It all drew us closer.

These are all great in-the-flesh meeting places, but these days community can be found online, also. It is so much easier now to connect with like-minded hearts through something as simple as a hashtag. Back in the days of LiveJournal, my sisters and I met many delightful friends first through sharing our journals. It felt like the modern ‘pen pal’. We eventually met several of these in person- some from the US who came to visit, others who ended up in the suburb next to us and became the closest of friends. But there are drawbacks, too, within online community. It can be easy to be drawn into a world that is curated a little too well, and to become disillusioned when our environment isn’t as Insta-worthy. It can be easy to become overwhelmed by the vast amount of information that is fed unwittingly to our brains. We have to remember to be careful and intentional. Connectivity is not the same as connection, and it can be easy to feel that because we have access to so many people in our online world, we don’t need to make the effort to get out of the house and meet up. But there is something so wonderful about face-to-face connection, so make sure that your real-life friends aren’t being neglected in favour of your online community. And of course, you can always blend the two by bringing your local online friends into your real life!

Whether your initial meetings happen in real life or online, it’s always up to us to make the next move. It can feel a lot like dating! If everyone waits for the other person to take the first step, nothing happens, and everyone misses out on the beauty of connection.

Practical ways of taking action are to invite someone over for a cuppa or buy them one at a café so the house doesn’t have to be clean; host a women’s night of snacks and a movie even if the house is messy, because villages happen in real life, not on Pinterest; plan a park play or put on a sausage sizzle for families; if you can’t find a group that does what you love, find one or two others and start the group! We must not wait until everything feels right, or the house is spick and span. Villages are made in the messy every day. If the relationship is formed online, we can take time to write a real letter or email and go beyond the quick comment or like.

Finally, create a small community- don’t spread yourself too thin. Take small steps in building, keep expectations reasonable, and start connecting. May it be a joy-filled experience.

As one of my favourite podcasters, Lisa-Jo Baker says:

“Some of your best friends are waiting to meet you”.